dickiebird's Blog

I want to write a blog about "losing a loved one" and the way it affects those lives of any one who knew them. My father passed away last year after a long illness and various cancers, we nursed him at home from begining to end which came at 7.15am when i was trying to get my kids ready for school. My little sister was there in bed asleep, my mum was getting her breakfast and my husband was preparing for work. I remember getting up, going over to the hospital bed we had on loan for dad, kissing his forhead good morning and checking his oxygen and various things. He was still with us at this stage but not far from leaving, he was doing the death rattle, (build up of flem in his chest and throat), I remember my daughters asking what is that noise mum, and having to explain it to them.

At 7.15am my dad decided enough was enough and went to his happy place, for us it was devastating, mum screamed and the kids were so good, they went to school ! My husband took the day off to make 10000 various phone calls and to grieve with us, I had to wake my sister up and tell her, which to this day is one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. I remember sitting next to dad whispering I love you and i'm so proud of you and begging please dont leave yet dad !!.

The next 3 months really became a blur trying to get my mum through the funeral and all the crap of going home to a place they both loved and lived in minus him of course. I never had time or maybe I purposely didnt take the time to grieve for him so I wouldnt have to face how bloody hard it was going to be..I have since been diagnosed with post truamatic stress and clinical depression, i've gone from a really strong person to not so strong. I think he would be happy where he, is not in pain anymore and dosed up on meds, it was awful to watch this wonderful and highly intellegent man go through this, he didnt know who was who or what was what in the end. I am so greatful to have been apart of his last year and the special talks we had knowing he didnt have long. I'm missing him everyday and wish so badly he was here, as im sure my siblings are too, for me the part of watching mum go through greiving and loss has been hard, I cant fix it or change it for her and so would if I could, to hear her lonely sadness drives me insane and has left me in tears many a night after a phone call from her.

I know others do this and go through this everyday but you never get over it, you certainly learn to live with it but its still not easy..

This is enough for today..feel free to write anything it would be nice to know someone out there understands this awful part of life..

Dickiebird xx